I'm down to the last 13 days of the Lenten season and so far, the only thing
I've managed to completely give up is my occasional glass of Sweet Red wine.
I'm still a shopaholic, chocoholic and himaholic, and I think I'm okay with that.
My goal at the beginning of Lent was to fast from dating, shopping, bread and alcohol. I'd just gotten out of a three year on again-off again relationship with a man after realizing that he was never going to fully allow me into his life and that, quite honestly, I didn't want to be in it (thus the man-fast). I also needed direction in my finances having taken on a second child with no additional income (thus my shopping fast). I found myself slipping back into old eating habits which have kept me in the plus-size section of all my favorite stores (thus the bread-fast) and given some things from my past, I'm always a bit paranoid of becoming addicted to alcohol (thus my alcohol fast). Well, 31 days in and I realize that I am in no way an alcoholic; however, shopping, bread and men may well be the death of me.
My goal at the beginning of Lent was to fast from dating, shopping, bread and alcohol. I'd just gotten out of a three year on again-off again relationship with a man after realizing that he was never going to fully allow me into his life and that, quite honestly, I didn't want to be in it (thus the man-fast). I also needed direction in my finances having taken on a second child with no additional income (thus my shopping fast). I found myself slipping back into old eating habits which have kept me in the plus-size section of all my favorite stores (thus the bread-fast) and given some things from my past, I'm always a bit paranoid of becoming addicted to alcohol (thus my alcohol fast). Well, 31 days in and I realize that I am in no way an alcoholic; however, shopping, bread and men may well be the death of me.
Sales ads began flooding my Facebook and
Google pages like never before-okay, maybe they were there before, but I never
really noticed them because I wasn't trying to NOT shop! They keep beckoning me
towards those new pumps or that cute dress on sale at Lane Bryant. And with my
new more-curves-less-rolls shape, I love a well fitting skirt with some cute
slingbacks. I also love shopping for my girls who are polar opposites in the
size/shape department. My youngest is my child--no denying that--with the hips and
butt to boot, thick long heavy hair and eyes like her father--piercing, deep
and quite frankly, blind. My older adopted baby, is thin and long--long
legs and long arms with the most beautiful full round eyes you'd ever hope to
see. I could spend all day shopping for them--and I literally do
sometimes!
Men must've seen the the "No Dating" sign over the my head, because since the start of Lent, I've been asked on more dates than probably all of 2014 put together, and while I was good at saying, "No" at first, a bald head and nice smile wore a sister down and I ended up going out on one of the longest and most boring dates of my life! The highlight of the night was seeing the interior of his new Honda Coupe (those things are sleek, by the way). I ended up having my sister make the "emergency bad date exit call", and was back home in my bed by 10:00 PM sharp. What a waste of a Friday!
Now, before you judge me as less than holy, I challenge you to understand the purpose of a fast. God seeks our hearts which then transforms our habits. For me, that meant understanding the "why" behind my "what's". I also realized that the only thing God asked me to give up this season was my dependence on myself so that I could allow Him to do what only He could...show me, me--not the way I choose to "spin" myself, but the way He sees me--flawed and imperfect but full of potential and promise. I did cut down significantly on bread because I realized the triggers that made me want to eat and was conscious of the way it made me feel afterwards. And so because I understand the why, I now have greater control over the what. The same thing with shopping--I use it when I feel insecure to give me a sense of stability; however, that only counteracts the very security that I seek as I'm often left fiscally unstable because I've gone off my budget. Today, at the mall, I was able to walk away from things because I understood what I was tapping into by looking at that new tube of lipstick and contouring kit in Sephora.
And then there's dating. Or rather my misadventures in dating. Sometimes I feel like the UNLUCKIEST (or in church-speak, the most NON-ANOINTED) girl in this area of my life. I seem to attract more Mr. Wrong's and kiss more frogs than I can count. Fasting from dating over these past weeks has made me ask the question I think so many women fail to ask, "What vibe am I putting out that is attracting all the wrong men into my life?" What I found looking back on my past relationships is that I have a bent for the broken. I love a project--someone with lots of potential, but a definite fixer-upper. Kind of like, Home Improvement--only for men. Thus my last three relationships were with a younger immature man who needed direction, an old stubborn man who refused to take direction and a guy my age who was going in too many directions. And it doesn't help that I am a nerd--intellect is my krypton-ite. A man who is a reader and a thinker--that gets me every time. And don't let him have a nice set of chompers that are actually all his! Be still my heart! I've dated the gamut of men--from suave smooth well spoken brother to the blue collar brother on shift work whose idea of stimulating literature consisted of Sports Illustrated. I've dated the preacher, the deacon and the pew. And quite frankly, I'm just tired of dumbing myself down and trying to justify my calling as a woman preacher.
Is it too much to ask for a smart, well-read man with a sharp sense of style, secure in his masculinity and spirituality that can traverse the various facets of my personality from the fact that I love theater and Netflix with equal passion, that I'm a fire baptized, Holy Ghost filled preacher and the girl next door who loves a good laugh and a glass of sweet red with dinner. Can he navigate these extremes with the same grace would be expected of me were the roles reversed? I want a man who appreciates that I am first and foremost a woman and won't try to control me or box me into what he thinks is an acceptable place for women in church and society--a man who is a real man and knows how to effectively communicate his thoughts and feelings. Is this too much to ask? Obviously so, or I wouldn't be on the downside of 30, staring 40 slap smack in the face, yet still coming home to an empty bed and a dog every night.
But that, too, is okay because in this period of singleness, I've also learned that I am okay. That having boundaries, standards and goals is healthy and that I don't need to change the essence of who I am to be in a relationship because then I would be lying to my partner and to myself. And so, I wait.
Where does that leave me with less than two week left for Lent? It leaves me leaning wholly and completely on God's grace and not my flesh. It leaves me seeking His will and plan for my life because I am utterly and completely lost in and of myself. And it leaves me 2 lbs heavier than when I began my fast.
Until the Divas meet again, I remain
In and for His service,
Jabaria
The Divine Diva
Men must've seen the the "No Dating" sign over the my head, because since the start of Lent, I've been asked on more dates than probably all of 2014 put together, and while I was good at saying, "No" at first, a bald head and nice smile wore a sister down and I ended up going out on one of the longest and most boring dates of my life! The highlight of the night was seeing the interior of his new Honda Coupe (those things are sleek, by the way). I ended up having my sister make the "emergency bad date exit call", and was back home in my bed by 10:00 PM sharp. What a waste of a Friday!
Now, before you judge me as less than holy, I challenge you to understand the purpose of a fast. God seeks our hearts which then transforms our habits. For me, that meant understanding the "why" behind my "what's". I also realized that the only thing God asked me to give up this season was my dependence on myself so that I could allow Him to do what only He could...show me, me--not the way I choose to "spin" myself, but the way He sees me--flawed and imperfect but full of potential and promise. I did cut down significantly on bread because I realized the triggers that made me want to eat and was conscious of the way it made me feel afterwards. And so because I understand the why, I now have greater control over the what. The same thing with shopping--I use it when I feel insecure to give me a sense of stability; however, that only counteracts the very security that I seek as I'm often left fiscally unstable because I've gone off my budget. Today, at the mall, I was able to walk away from things because I understood what I was tapping into by looking at that new tube of lipstick and contouring kit in Sephora.
And then there's dating. Or rather my misadventures in dating. Sometimes I feel like the UNLUCKIEST (or in church-speak, the most NON-ANOINTED) girl in this area of my life. I seem to attract more Mr. Wrong's and kiss more frogs than I can count. Fasting from dating over these past weeks has made me ask the question I think so many women fail to ask, "What vibe am I putting out that is attracting all the wrong men into my life?" What I found looking back on my past relationships is that I have a bent for the broken. I love a project--someone with lots of potential, but a definite fixer-upper. Kind of like, Home Improvement--only for men. Thus my last three relationships were with a younger immature man who needed direction, an old stubborn man who refused to take direction and a guy my age who was going in too many directions. And it doesn't help that I am a nerd--intellect is my krypton-ite. A man who is a reader and a thinker--that gets me every time. And don't let him have a nice set of chompers that are actually all his! Be still my heart! I've dated the gamut of men--from suave smooth well spoken brother to the blue collar brother on shift work whose idea of stimulating literature consisted of Sports Illustrated. I've dated the preacher, the deacon and the pew. And quite frankly, I'm just tired of dumbing myself down and trying to justify my calling as a woman preacher.
Is it too much to ask for a smart, well-read man with a sharp sense of style, secure in his masculinity and spirituality that can traverse the various facets of my personality from the fact that I love theater and Netflix with equal passion, that I'm a fire baptized, Holy Ghost filled preacher and the girl next door who loves a good laugh and a glass of sweet red with dinner. Can he navigate these extremes with the same grace would be expected of me were the roles reversed? I want a man who appreciates that I am first and foremost a woman and won't try to control me or box me into what he thinks is an acceptable place for women in church and society--a man who is a real man and knows how to effectively communicate his thoughts and feelings. Is this too much to ask? Obviously so, or I wouldn't be on the downside of 30, staring 40 slap smack in the face, yet still coming home to an empty bed and a dog every night.
But that, too, is okay because in this period of singleness, I've also learned that I am okay. That having boundaries, standards and goals is healthy and that I don't need to change the essence of who I am to be in a relationship because then I would be lying to my partner and to myself. And so, I wait.
Where does that leave me with less than two week left for Lent? It leaves me leaning wholly and completely on God's grace and not my flesh. It leaves me seeking His will and plan for my life because I am utterly and completely lost in and of myself. And it leaves me 2 lbs heavier than when I began my fast.
Until the Divas meet again, I remain
In and for His service,
Jabaria
The Divine Diva
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