The Circus Comes to Town!

Dating is much like the circus.


There are acts going on in multiple rings across the floor and in the center of it all is the Ringmaster, carefully orchestrating hundreds of animals, acrobats and clowns all while ensuring that the crowd remains engaged and entertained.

And so it is for singles who attempt to date multiple people in the search for that one special someone. There are the flying trapeze artists of us "high maintenance" females (wearing $400 weaves while living in $40 a month Section 8 housing), the fire breathing antics of the brother trying to kiss you with halitosis from hell, the tight rope walking of trying to keep conversation going with the guy who is dumb as a rock but fine as all outdoors.

Playing Ringmaster at the center of it all is you--just trying to keep it together and hold on to a modicum of decency and decorum while tolerating the tom-foolery of others. That is, until you wake up one day and decide that you're just too tired and jaded to do it anymore. So, you go through your phone, deleting some numbers while blocking others, and remove your online dating profile as you come to the solemn conclusion that singleness is better than insanity.

Maybe that's not your story, but it certainly was mine and that of my friends. Which begs the question, why even bother with dating?

I guess a better question is, what is the purpose of dating? I have heard several definitions, but my understanding of the purpose of dating was to find a mate. Someone with whom a life-long bond based on friendship and rooted in love could be formed within the covenant of marriage. And that was my purpose--when I first began dating.

And then I realized that I had options. Lots of them.

That is when my purpose for dating began to change, and it was no longer about finding, "the one", but rather about finding "someone".

Different men served different purposes depending on my mood or need at the moment. One guy was a great cook--whenever I wanted a romantic dinner at home, he was my go-to. Another had an amazing sense of humor, so if I wanted to laugh til I cried or go see the latest comedic movie, his number was on speed-dial. Then there was the empathetic listener for when I needed a good cry, and on and on...

You get my point.

I stopped looking for the man God had for me and began using men to serve my needs--all without the work that comes with relationship. Thing about relationships is that they are designed to be work because they are designed to bring out the servant in us. I know, that's not what they tell us in the Hallmark movies, but real love--real relationships--require real work. Getting out of bed even when you're tired to get the other person something to eat or drink. Rubbing your spouse's feet after a long day at work, despite the fact that your own feet are aching to the bone.

Many of us fail to get past the circus acts of dating into the real work of relationships. We never take off our clown make-up or come down from our flying trapezes into the reality of what love really is--patient, kind, humble, long suffering, rejoicing in the truth, keeping no record of wrongs, not seeking our own way, bearing all things, believing all things, hoping all things--the qualities that will never fail. The stuff that real marriages are made of.

So my challenge to my single sisters (and brothers) out there reading this is to be honest about where you are in your dating life. Why are you dating? Are you looking for the one God has for you, or just someone who will be Good for the moment? I pray that God will move on your heart to seek the man or woman that He has prepared just for you, and then become the mate you want to have for yourself.

You want a hard-working partner? Go get a job (or a better one!) Want a mate who can cook and clean? Break out the mop and broom and get to work (and sign up for a few cooking classes if necessary). Want someone with good credit? Pull your credit report and get to work paying off old debt.

We must not wait for someone else to come and rescue us from our bad habits, our laziness or our failures. These things we must face and begin to address on our own, for only then can God release into our lives His mate for us. Just as God loves us, he loves our prospective mates and doesn't want to place them in a position to be hurt or damaged by us. No, we'll never be perfect as the world defines perfection, but we can become God's definition of perfect--mature in our faith and disciplined in how we live our lives.

One final thought: realize that you are not the Ringmaster--God is. Stop trying to orchestrate the circus of your life. That's not your job; it's God's. Know that you are not the Master of your Fate or the Captain of your Soul. If you are, we need to have a whole other type conversation.

Once I realized that I was not in charge, it changed how I approached dating and led me to my husband. Once I got out of God's way, He was able to release who He had for my life. And he didn't need my help. At all.

Let God be God and just follow His direction for your love life.

Until the Divas meet again, I wish you flawless hair days, a fierce dress on sale, and the peace that only our Father can provide.

Sincerely,

Jabaria
The Divine Diva